Grief, Gratitude, & Connection
Note: I wrote the original content of this post on 11/19/22 (prior to learning about the violent attack at Club Q in Colorado on November 20, 2022) and meant to publish as a blog leading up to The Annual Day of Mourning (aka Thanksgiving, 2022). The first part of this blog entry is from that newsletter reflection about grief, gratitude, & connection. The second part is further reflection & holding space following the tragedy.
The ups and downs of grief, gratitude, and connection.
Many look forward to this time of year to take time to recover and recharge, whether through the time off offered through organizations and governments that recognize settler and Christian holidays, or from the unwinding and reflection that often comes with the end of the Gregorian (i.e., Roman Catholic-developed) calendar year.
However, this time can feel complex, painful, and dreaded for many.
For Indigenous communities in North America, the Thanksgiving holiday is far from a time of celebration and instead is recognized as a day of mourning.
From the text used on the registration form for the 2nd annual Queer Fams-Giving event on the National Day of Mourning (aka Thanksgiving), Fall 2022:
We (the event facilitators) completely disavow the commemoration of settler colonialism that mainstream narratives of Thanksgiving celebrate. We recognize the need for community and care on this day, and our hope that this gathering can be a day of healing, reflection, and nourishment for all of our communities and for the ongoing work of decolonization, water protection, ending violence, and land back movements.
For more information on Thanksgiving and the history of the colonization of Turtle Island (North America), this All My Relations podcast episode offers an overview.
For trans and nonbinary people and those who love us, November marks the annual TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance), where we honor, remember, grief, and name the lives lost since last year.
This is a painful yet important time each year, which reminds us of the continued targeting, violence, and seeming invisibility of this problem on a larger scale.
For those with a history of developmental trauma or those in recovery from substance abuse/addiction, diet culture, fat stigma, and/or disordered eating:
it is important to anticipate and prepare for the potential impact of trauma getting activated in the body, symptoms resurfacing, dissociation, and/or constant shame triggers (whether a result of ancestral trauma that is passed down or your lived experience in your body or in proximity to others).
For those who have lost loved ones or experienced loss, transition, scarcity, or change:
the holidays may take on a different meaning or experience that makes it difficult to be fully present in various moments.
For those who are not able to be their full authentic selves when visiting loved ones for the holiday or for whom they are outright not safe or accepted in their identity,
the practice of radical acceptance and compassionate boundary setting is helpful.
For those who are alone during the holidays (whether by choice or not), this time can feel quite overwhelming and isolating.
Seeking spaces leading up to and after that might offer collective healing and community support can be quite helpful and holding.
For those who have received messages about needing to feel 'grateful for what you have':
this time can be filled with reminders and triggers of all the ways that you have been told you are 'too much' or 'not enough,' been encouraged not to feel your feelings, and dismissed in the 100% human and valid suffering that we experience every day.
Practicing gratitude in the face of suffering can sometimes ground and offer soothing, or even potentially pull for joy and meaning during times of fear. But it should NEVER be used as a tool to shame, invalidate, minimize, or gaslight another.
Please take a moment to reflect, acknowledge, and hold space for the ways in which it might be hard for some to receive and project vibes of joy, gratitude, and celebration during this time of year.
In recognition and holding space for the day of mourning:
please also consider offering your support through action or donations for your local indigenous community (identify yours) or another indigenous-led organization (e.g., International Council of Two-Spirit Societies, Native Gov - Voluntary Land Taxes)
The following was written the week of November 21, 2022.
When there aren't words.
When we struggle to feel.
November is already a tough month as the holidays approach. In addition to an annual gathering for Trans Day of Remembrance, this year our community faced the tragedy at Club Q with an act of hatred and violence resulting in the murder of 5 beautiful humans.
In the days after, when trying to process and make sense of things, I realized that sometimes words just can’t.
Our bodies sometimes just can’t.
I heard over and over from colleagues, friends, and clients about the experience that didn’t quite have the right words…some described as numbness, desensitization, helplessness, dissociation, disconnect, avoidant, etc.
It wasn’t that we didn’t care.
For some, we just couldn’t hold space for the intensity of yet another tragic loss, another reminder that there are humans in the world who are actively seeking to harm and eradicate those who are different.
For some, we were holding this news not only for our own grieving, but also for those around us who felt unsafe navigating the world.
For some, this was unsurprising and amplified that feeling of ‘what’s the point?’ with a growing sense of resignation.
For some, the attention the tragedy received, whether seen as an appropriate amount or not enough, reminded us of the many queer, trans, disabled, fat, Black, Indigenous, and/or other People of Color who have died or been murdered in the last year, throughout the pandemic, and since settler colonization.
What is particularly heart-breaking is that sometimes those same humans who are responsible for the harm to our community are those who have painfully internalized the messages in our oppressive systems that we are less worthy when we don’t conform to the ‘ideals’ established by White Supremacy, capitalism, & colonization.
And so we grieve. We numb. We rage. We connect. We fight back.
And we hold the hard together, in community,
with as much fierce compassion as humanly possible.
Click to read this beautiful letter written and shared by the director of the Mass Trans Political Coalition (quoted below). It felt grounding.
Our authenticity and love for each other cannot and will not be held prisoner. This is what scares them about us, the freedom we found in being ourselves. - Tre’Andre Carmel Valentine
If you’re able to offer support:
The Colorado Healing Fund: https://www.coloradogives.org/story/Clubq
If you could use support:
- Trans Lifeline - (877) 565-8860
- The Trevor Project
- National Victims of Violent Crimes, 1-202-467-8700
- Crisis Text Line, Text HOME to 741741
- LGBT National Hotline, 888-843-4564
- LGBT Youth National Talkline, 800-246-7743
- LGBTQ Grief & Loss Facebook Support Group
